This is the result when I try to write some kind of mainstream song… 
7 Likes
It has a great charge and if it weren’t for Saros - AI singer, he would have had enough by the end of the song. Beautiful song and great work…
1 Like
Wow, that song is really packed with… everything! I wish the lyrics were available, just to try and get a handle on what seems like various things the song is about. Very dense, musically and vocally, and a fun listen!
1 Like
Thank you very much! Well, as I am from Germany, I always find it a little bit bold to present the written lyrics with the song. But on the other hand, I’m of course interested in knowing if there are mistakes. So here are the lyrics:
Do no longer count on me
Whoever you are ----------------- There’s nothing
and whatever you want to be, - I can read from your eyes,
on your way to the stars -------- not even
do no longer count on me. ----- if you’re really there.
Don’t show all your scars, ----- Your camouflage
don’t expect my sympathy. ---- has become your disguise.
On your way to the stars ------- But why do I tell you?
do no longer count on me. ---- I really do not care.
I put my trust in words, but you spit them in the fan,
when I needed your attention you took refuge in delirium.
I lost my faith in God and you said I could believe in you,
when I woke up from my dream I found not a single word was true.
We trod upon time, igniting the minds of the hypocrites,
we crossed every borderline that has ever, ever existed.
But whoever you are etc. (Chorus)
It’s the same old story when a love comes to its end.
Why do you tell these lies about me, why do you try to sleep with my best friend?
And the people all around us one by one cease to invite you,
when to see me suffering is the only thing that does delight you.
Time isn’t a healer, it’s the enemy. Time is the reason why we’re never gaining victory.
We may be crossing each and every borderline, still we’re remaining only slaves of time.
But whoever you are etc. (Chorus)
On your way to the stars Do no longer count on me.
1 Like
Nice work! I enjoyed the song. 
“…do no longer count on me” isn’t something an English speaker would say. You can no longer count on me is more correct, but too formal, too wordy, and doesn’t sound right.
Don’t think you can count on me is close to the original sentiment and still matches the syllables and stress.
“…but you spit them in the fan” is a term I’d heard. “Spitting into the wind” is perhaps the closest match, but that refers to being foolish (because it’s going to come back to your face ), throw them to the wind" is perhaps a better match.
1 Like
Oh, that’s very kind of you! Now I have to decide… I agree to what you say about the first line of the chorus (and it’s also the title of the song…). Your proposal leaves syllables and stress. But “You can no longer count on me” leaves ar least a group of five words intact - only “do” is replaced bei “you can”… And the short-long-long rhythm of “no longer” sounds fluent for me with these words, but a little “bumpy”(?) with “think you can”. I gotta think about it… I feared that! 
But it’s great to get this feedback before the song is published somewhere else with this title! (The youtube page I use for the song here is unlisted.)
Do you think “spit in the fan” could perhaps remain as it is? It’s just an image that came before my inner eye… We have the singer Herbert Grönemeyer in Germany who always creates strange images which did not exist before. Of course I know: quod licet Iovi non licet bovi…
Thank you everybody, you are very kind!
The idea behind “spit in the fan” was clear to me.
Good. That makes it easier for me.
What do you think of “Be sure you cannot count on me”? “Be” would be a short new note.
— Don’t think you can count on me.
Be sure - you can-not count on me
It seems to me more easy to sing, and “think” somehow does not have the right sound here for me.
To keep the same flow and everything - just change ‘do’ to ‘you’ll’ - short for you will, ie
you’ll no longer count on me. It carries the though of a threat…
Hoffentlich hilft das?
1 Like
Perhaps! I got to think over all that for some time. Your proposal preserves nearly everything of the “original”, that’s great. But it changes the meaning slightly more than the other solutions… It’s complicated for a poor German…
Pretty cool song with lots of energy and a pretty good vocal performance.
But - there’s a saying “when everything is big, nothing is big”.
My producer-self suggests adding some contrast, e.g. like a quiet pre-chorus with just one or two instruments and vocals or something like that.
Try something like that and you’ll see that the contrast between the quiet parts and the loud parts makes them seem twice as big.
Tension needs to be released from time to time to not overload the listener.
1 Like
That’s great, this forum begins to become for me not only something entertaining, but something where it’s possible to exchange ideas and learn something and improve. I appreciate your comment very much, thank you! I know, to make “everything big” and overloading the listener is a constant danger for my songs. But here in this song I thought not overloading the listener would consist in keeping everything compact and without too many too different parts. I found it unnecessary to create big contrasts - yet the verses deliver a bit of contrast -, because the song is so short, compared to my Prog Songs. There several times I used a pre-chorus as relaxation, as you describe. You might listen to “Run to me”, the song that I’ve uploaded before “Do no longer count on me”. In that song, there is a quiet pre-chorus at least before the first chorus and a quiet new part before the last chorus.
2 Likes
I’m just glad I’m not the one having to make the choice.
The reality is that with pop, how it sounds is always most important. And it sound fine.
1 Like
I worked with a Swiss guy in England for a couple of years, he spoke several languages, English not being his best, he always said (and wrote) ‘du’ when he meant ‘you’, it took a while for me to realise.
Depending on the direcion of the lyric’s meaning I think that is a possibility…
you no longer count on me.
The person in question has lost interest in you, you feel rejected?
Thank you all very much for your help! Seems I have to decide… I’d like to try out the different proposals with Saros, hope I’ll manage it this weekend.
That’s right, the sound is extremely important. But in spite of this, I was nearly decided to choose your “Don’t think you can count on me” because it is nearest to the “original” with respect to its meaning. It’s also an imperative. And I think “Can count” might be cool in terms of sound, it might sound percussive and thus aggressive, which would be ok. But, now that you stress the importance of sound, I still have my doubts about “think you” in the given melody.
I’ll take “Don’t think you can count on me”. 